(2 posts in one day, whew.)
one word to describe the last two months of my life.
SILENCE
i use this word for a couple of reasons. one of them being this: this summer i have moved back to my small hometown.in the process of moving home, my family has moved away. i am living in the house i grew up in by myself. and when i say by myself, i mean me, a bed, and a canvas lawn chair. no tv, no internet, no couch, no working stove. so needless to say, it has been silent. not necessarily the bad type of silence, but silence. it has been a great transition from africa life back to the american way of life. i have had more time than i could have ever asked for to think about things and process different things. it has also given me lots of time to clean (boo), write letters(yay), make shirts(yay), and read(yay). so the silence hasnt been bad, just overwhelming at times, and is liked better in moderation.
another reason, i used the word silence is because i have yet to write on this blog (hence the column to the right having no posts for june or july) or in my journal. i have all these thoughts running through my head, yet when i sit down to record them, i feel overwhelmed by the amount of them, or by the weight of them. and since i am a oral thinker, not writing them down, i believe, has stifled mt ability to process them. i am getting back on track. its my new years resolution in august.
one reason i use the word silence is this: which kind of goes along with the first one is because there has been a silence is the area of hanging out with friends. since i am in my hometown this summer, most of my friends are not, and a couple of them have been out of the country as well. these are the people i share the most intimate parts of my life with and who i invest much in and who invest much in me. without them around, it just feels weird. not to worry, reunion is taking place in the near near future.
the last reason i can think of right now, and the saddest case of the word silece, is this: when in africa, i developed the deepest desire for the Word of God that i have ever had. and i feel after being back is has changed in a sense. i still have a passion for His Word, but i find myself ,stupidly, chooseing not to run first to the One who knows me best. when life is everchangeing and we go from living one place and being thrown somewhere completely different, you think that we would hold tight to the One who is always constant in our life, the One who is ever faithful, the One who never changes, and the One who never fails. i also feel that the reason that there is sometime silence on my behalf in this situation is because i am apprehensive to what i may be asked to do next. (yes, im aware this is a dumb reason). sometimes, if even for just a second, i get things mixed up and try to act like this life is all about me. but its not, its not about me at all. that i may become less and less and that He may become more and more. this is why the silence is breaking. i..we...must break the silence, we must cry out to the One who holds it all together. We must seek Him through His word. because if we're not, then what are we doing?
so if you are being silent right now, stop it. yell at the top of your lungs, cry at the top of your lungs, He's listening. He hasnt given up on you. and He wont.
1 comment :
Shaila! Wow, I identify with so much of what you said in this post. I feel like I'm just now starting to process a lot of hard things from Africa, and last week was the first time I journaled since we've been back. I also have less motivation to be in the word. I feel like I'm trying to keep God at an arm's length out of fear of what He will ask of me. So be encouraged in knowing that you're not alone!
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